GOOD NEWS

(OF A SORT)  ©

by Norman Liebmann

When making his rounds, the night watchman at the Hyannis Port Cemetery always shakes the handles of the tombs. He can confirm that Teddy Kennedy is still dead.

The Weather Bureau is predicting that despite the Obama Administration’s effort to control the climate, snow will remain white.

Since our Secretary of State is scheduled to make more frequent trips to the Middle East, herpetologists there have developed an anti-venom that renders cobras immune to Hillary Clinton’s bite.

The Obama Administration will not bail out the Swine Flu Savings and Loan.

In the interest of accuracy the stimulus bill will be renamed the scumulus bill.

Is it true Sonia Sotomajor (Sotomanure) has been denied a special parking space outside the Supreme Court for her burro? It is also reported that Sonia Sotomanure’s clothes were selected by Barack Obama. It could have been worse. They could have been picked out by Michelle.

Of the one million jobs Obama claimed to have created, half will be hand and the other half will be blow.

Obama will no longer read his speeches off a teleprompter. Due to the content, he will use a new device called a telepooper.

It has been discovered that back in Kenya, Obama’s tribal name was Snafu - which explains a lot.

It’s reported that the orthodontist who works on Barack Obama’s teeth got his training at Calumet Stables.

There is an insightful book being written called, “My Father Was Right About Negros”.

Welfare creates zombies but not necessarily the kind that hang around pool rooms.

In order to make it easier for Caucasians to become eligible to collect Welfare, the Obama Administration will make available a medical procedure called a pigment transplant.

San Francisco has declared itself a sanctuary city for gay vampires. Presently the city is looking for a way to prevent their water from clotting. (Along those lines, people who apply for sexual transplants in San Francisco will be permitted one gender to a customer.)

A bonus has been awarded to the executive who raised the ratings on Fox News by coming up with the idea of changing the name of the show from Hannity and Colmes to Hannity Without Colmes.

Rumor has it, Harvard has cancelled the establishment of a Colin Powell Chair at the Kennedy School of Surrender.

Obama is to be commended for his timing in bailing out the mainstream press -  that Americans have quit reading anyway.

Is it true Rahm Immanuel, who attended Ballet School, flunked Pirouette?

Scientists are close to a breakthrough for the antidote for Political Correctness.

Geneticists are close to a producing a virus that that attacks the central nervous system of electric guitars.

CBS has turned down David Letterman’s idea for a new Television show called Banging the Help. It is a new format that will be shot entirely with security cameras to make his sexual indiscretions look accidental. The network’s reason for turning down the format is that the David Letterman Show already looks like it got on by accident.

The Obama Czars have demonstrated that they are having trouble finding a way to delegate their incompetence.

A historian of World War II has determined that General Patton would not only have slapped Barack Obama, but probably would have scratched his eyes out.

A new translation of Scripture reads, “In the beginning God Created Caucasians and Basketballs”.

A survey of pawnbrokers tell us John Kerry’s purple hearts are being taken out of pawn shop windows and replaced with second hand accordions.

Most people who are constantly accused of “not getting it” are actually people who get it but just don’t give a shit.

The Treasury Department has informed Barrack Obama they do not have enough money on hand to fund his idea to pave every city in the nation with manhole-ready streets.

More and more American parents are teaching their kids to play a game called Cowboys and Muslims.

Someone has coined a proverb, “You can lead a horse to Mexican water but you can bet your ass he’ll walk around it”.

Since George Bush vacated the Presidency, he is no longer bothered by constipation – which probably turned out to be caused by too much compassion.

Drug use has cut down since people bought into the notion that cocaine is high in calories.

Some veterans have offered to chip in order to send Barack Obama to a Military School to study Remedial Saluting.

In writing to The Factor it is still all right to call Bill O’Reilly a poltroon, a ninny hammer and a Pecksniffian because this is still America. When writing to the White House it is still alright to call Barack Obama a fascist – because that is what he is. Bill O’Reilly’s naiveté where Obama is concerned may be fading. Perhaps that Levittown sophistication is finally beginning to kick in.

Is it probable the next President elected will declare that America has left Obama’s post-racial era and entered The Post Negro Era.

Bill Clinton has experienced a testosterone outage.

A toxicologist announced the glorious news that it is possible to break the habit of voting for the Clintons.

The black elite that convened at Martha’s Vineyard have acquired the sobriquet of “the niggerati”.

The Inner City is where the ghetto meets the gutter.

A new children’s book is on the market: called,”The Czar: An American Scumbag in King Obama’s Court”.

In Africa cannibals eat the kind of people Democrats vote for.

Arabs don’t eat pigs because they have found a more romantic use for them.

Doctors have determined that it is the Pelosi’s Health Care Proposal itself that is in need of medical attention. (On his television show, Mike Huckabee referred to Nancy Pelosi as “Nancy Pollution”. Way to go, Mike!)

Computer viruses will not be eligible for Obamacare.

Obama got the Peace Prize only after the Nobel Committee decided that their mutual concept of what constitutes peace sucks.

Heard around town, those Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot the airport in Minneapolis have volunteered to teach the Air Force One pilots how to do the same en route to Washington.

It’s been reported that anytime someone calls Hillary Clinton a “bitch” Dick Morris gets a royalty. Hillary’s doctor diagnosed her as a cranky yenta. She has been told that a second opinion would be redundant.

On a recent test, elementary school children were asked the question, “What do you call someone who lies, steals, cheats and betrays his country?” Their most frequent answer was “Mr. President - mmm mmm mmm.”

In Bosnia they have erected a statue of Bill Clinton. Just what Bubba needs – another erection.

The Obama Administration has declared itself a government in exile in its own country. They couldn’t be more right.

Universities will reduce their terms to three years. Appropriately minority students will be admitted under curtailed programs renamed Affirmative Ignorance.

Nancy Pelosi intends to introduce legislation giving geese the right to be herded - and run for Congress.

Without Elizabeth Hasselbeck on the panel, the TV Show called The View could change its name to the Jurassic Park of Chit Chat.

It’s not been shown that Acorns do not cure hemorrhoids – but it’s worth a try.

There’s talk that Vladimir Putin will turn the Chernobyl sarcophagus into a sauna. (The Russkies will not only sweat, they will glow in the dark.)

Inner City book stores will be selling copies of Mein Kampf in Ebonics.

Barack Obama has lost some weight and nobody like what’s left.

Isn’t it time some scientist with a conscence got to work on a bomb called the Czarbuster?

The First Family is frequently out on the White House lawn swiveling their hula hoops. Apparently the Obamas are trying to prove they’re swivelized.

As a tribute to Nancy Pelosi, the Democrats may change their name from the party of the big tent to the party of the big tart.

And this  …

Barack Obama has figured out a way to act like a President but has not figured out a way to act like an American.

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